My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
