your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize