i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
