I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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