Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
