Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
