Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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