I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
