just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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