Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
