i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
