I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
