Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Let's get the cat blown out
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
