my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
