i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
