Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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