the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
