someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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