her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
