I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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