i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
