Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
