I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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