Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
