this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
