I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
