All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
