Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
drinking out of a sandbucket again
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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