i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You took a bar mat shot.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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