My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
