As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
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