So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
