i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
