Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize