This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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