I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
