I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
