these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
