If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize