he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
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