i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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