Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
