dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
