the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize