so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
