I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
