You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
