Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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