really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
