Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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