Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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