I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
