Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
