I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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