Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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