The maid of honor just puked.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
