Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
