This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
