yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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