I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
