2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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