He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
