Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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