And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
