I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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